GLF 74: Tommy has found the winning formula.
In Fir Park on a miserable Saturday afternoon, Albert Einstein finally made sense to me.As we succumbed to a second half demolition the relativity of time, as described by Albert, was indubitably evident.I can't have been the only one to experience the cogs of time slow, and then come to a grinding halt somewhere between the second and third goals trundling past Ruddy.I now know that the world's most eminent physicists have been wasting their time looking for the secrets of the universe in large hadron colliders.With hindsight, the mysteries of space and time have been revealing themselves in the heart of Lanarkshire.Let me take you through a few examples.
As it is widely accepted that Motherwell supporters have intelligence far above the average Scottish football fan (admittedly this average is skewed by the remarkably low intellect of Old Firm fans), I won't bore you with the intricacies of Einstein's special and general theories of relativity.
E=mc2, time and space warped by gravity, black holes and all that.We all know the theory, but when following Motherwell the relativity of space and time can be observed in reality.
Firstly consider James "Faddy" McFadden.Now think of Alex "Toastie" Burns.Memories of McFadden skinning defenders, scoring sublime goals and deftly flicking the ball to a team mate are abundant.In contrast, if you are like me, Burns' time with the Well will have largely passed you by.I vaguely recall noticing him after someone sitting beside me launched a tirade at his poor finishing but that's about the extent of it.Somewhat surprisingly then, Burns pulled on a claret and amber jersey almost twice as many times as McFadden.Unbeknownst to me, he actually played for us in two separate spells.But before you lose all faith in statistics, remember Einstein's theory of relativity.The most plausible explanation, that time was stretched whenever McFadden was on the ball, shows how Faddy managed to leave such an impression despite playing fewer matches.In contrast, linear time clearly constricted around Burns, allowing him to make a total of 117, largely anonymous, appearances.
Time isn't the only malleable dimension at Fir Park.Those sitting in the Cooper Stand behind Stevie Woods cannot have any doubt of the relativity of space.On at least three occasions, I have witnessed a solid football pass straight through the keeper's hands whilst maintaining a constant trajectory.Was Woods that bad a keeper?Possibly.But a curvature in space, as described by Einstein Field Equations, is a better explanation.If only I had more understanding of modern physics in my younger days, I could have appreciated that crosses going directly through Stevie Woods wasn't an occasion to curse or swear.It was a vindication of the greatest scientist of the 20th Century.
The latest experiment to test Einstein's theories is already underway:Craig Brown and Archie Knox are attempting to actually turn back time.Carefully inspecting our new manager, I think he looks younger than when he led the national team to France '98.If the management duo can add their 131 years of experience to the youthful exuberance of the current squad we may have uncovered a successful formula.
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